I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize