Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
