YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sext me about skeletons
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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