i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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