Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
