i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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