So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
