Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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