i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
