dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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