I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
