I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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