walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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