New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
