Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
