Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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