i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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