glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize