I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
