fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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