its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
