I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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