I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
