Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
