we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
