i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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