its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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