So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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