haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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