I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
