you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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