its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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