Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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