you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize