sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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