i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
