True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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