Banned from zoo.
Again?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
