You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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