i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
