and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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