69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
