He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
