alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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