I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
