I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize