Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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