i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
