smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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