I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
