I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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