The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
