I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
