ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the condom got lost in my hair
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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