then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
