Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
