we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's blow job season.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
