She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize