Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
