So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
