Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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