Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
