i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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