i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
