I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
