You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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