there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
