Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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