I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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