oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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