i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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